Gay London Life | August '26 Edition - Magazine - Page 22
Alan Cox - The Gay Monogamy Coach
Closet-cation
Why even the most out
gay men can start editing
themselves the moment
they go abroad.
Last summer in Mykonos, I watched
Before your next trip, notice
a friend sit in a beach bar with his
where you tend to shrink and what
boyfriend. In London, he mentions
triggers it. One client simply used the
his partner in boardrooms without
word “boyfriend” in a quiet restaurant
a second thought. Yet when his
rather than dodging it. Nothing
boyfriend rested a hand on his thigh,
dramatic happened, but his body
he moved it away. No danger. No
filed that away too.
stares. Just something old waking up
before he had even noticed.
You can also try an
‘Administrator Handover’: “You’ve
I call it Closet-cation. It’s
done the risk assessment. Step
what happens when men who’ve
back now.” It creates a little space
spent years building an honest life
between past fear and the present
suddenly tuck bits of themselves
moment.
away abroad. One minute you’re
breezing through Heathrow with an
oat flat white, the next you’re in a taxi
wondering why you sound like you’re
back in sixth form. Emotional jet lag,
Life coach, CBT practitioner, and host of “The Gay Monogamy Coach” podcast.
and Boots sells nothing for it.
It can happen even in LGBTQ+friendly places. Your shoulders
tighten, your voice drops and “my
partner” becomes “my friend”. Your
body clocks the uncertainty before
your mind does.
A client of mine, James, noticed
it during a trip to Barcelona. He
and his partner had been together
for four years, but he still found
himself avoiding hand-holding and
lowering his voice in restaurants.
“It felt like being twenty again,” he
The aim
isn’t to
perform
affection
where it
may be
unsafe
told me. He thought he’d erased
that version of himself. He’s simply
better dressed now.
I felt it myself after my divorce,
when I travelled to Lebanon. I
arrived in Beirut alert, cautious and
editing every gesture. Then I found
London will still be there when
a welcoming café and bar where I
you return, probably with another
relaxed. I laughed more freely and
new café in Shoreditch. The real
remembered how it felt to breathe
journey is learning to bring your
without checking who was watching.
whole self home wherever you
Confidence isn’t permanent. It’s
happen to be.
a muscle, and sometimes it sulks.
The aim isn’t to perform affection
22
Alan Cox is a life coach and
where it may be unsafe. That isn’t
CBT practitioner helping gay
bravery, it’s poor risk assessment.
men in midlife build healthier
The work is catching the moment
relationships with confidence.
before an old reflex takes over.
He hosts The Gay Monogamy
Before you become head of security
Coach Podcast and wrote
for your own relationship.
Beyond: The Apps.
