Gay London Life | June '26 Edition - Magazine - Page 46
Alan Cox
The Guide to
Appstinence:
How to Give Up the
Apps for 30 Days
Most gay men in London start the
scroll after work because you need
day the same way, reaching for
distraction. The point isn’t to judge
their phone before they’ve even
yourself, it’s to understand the cycle
properly woken up. A quick check
clearly enough to change it.
of messages. A scroll through
The first week off the apps is
faces. A glance at who’s nearby. It
usually uncomfortable. You’ll reach for
feels harmless because everyone’s
your phone automatically. You’ll wonder
doing it, but over time the apps stop
what you’re missing. That discomfort
being something you use and start
is useful because it shows how deeply
becoming something that uses you.
wired the habit has become.
You notice it everywhere. On the
Then something shifts.
Tube. Waiting outside bars in Soho.
Without the constant noise,
Sitting at home with the TV on while
your attention starts returning
half-scrolling through conversations
to your actual life. You notice
you don’t even care about. You’re
London again. Conversations
technically connected, but mentally
feel fuller. Your head feels quieter.
somewhere else. The apps create this
Many men realise they weren’t
strange in-between state where you’re
actually searching for intimacy
always available but rarely present.
London encourages it too. The
city runs on the idea that there’s always
Life coach, CBT practitioner, and host of “The Gay Monogamy Coach” podcast.
something better around the corner,
and dating apps feed exactly the
same instinct. Another face. Another
chat. Another possibility. What starts
as entertainment slowly becomes
emotional background noise.
That’s where Appstinence
comes in.
Not as a rejection of sex, dating,
or modern life, but as a reset. Thirty
days without dating or hookup apps
can show you just how automatic
the habit has become. Most people
You’re
technically
connected,
but mentally
somewhere
else
don’t realise how often they open
the apps because they’re bored,
anxious, lonely, or looking for
reassurance rather than genuine
connection.
The apps keep your brain
in a constant state of scanning.
at all, they were searching for
You start comparing yourself to
relief from boredom, insecurity, or
strangers without even noticing.
restlessness.
You keep conversations going with
A month off the apps won’t
men you’d never actually want to
solve everything, but it can reset
meet. Someone ghosts you mid-
your relationship with attention,
chat and suddenly your confidence
confidence, and connection. You
takes a hit for the rest of the evening.
stop feeding the habit and start
It becomes less about connection
listening to yourself again.
and more about managing emotion.
And honestly, that’s probably a
This is where CBT can really
better starting point for dating anyway.
help. You start spotting the pattern
46
behind the behaviour. Maybe
If you’d like support with that
you open the apps every Sunday
process, book a discovery call at
because you feel lonely. Maybe you
empoweringgaymen@gmail.com
