Gay London Life | May '26 Edition - Magazine - Page 46
Topher Taylor
I’d sneak myself off to my parents’
Topher
Talks
Ageism in queer spaces is
bedroom, away from the living
something we don’t talk about
room, and watch it so they wouldn’t
enough. Dating apps filter out anyone
think I was gay or into watching
over a certain age like spam. Nights
sexual content. I was far too young
out in certain venues now feel like
to be watching this show, but I felt
auditions for a youth club you’ve
magnetically pulled to it. Samantha
quietly aged out of. I’ve been guilty of
Jones was my idol, role model, and
it myself - at 25 I probably had an age
everything I pictured my future being.
cap on Grindr I’m not proud of. But
One day, I’d tell myself, I’ll have men
something shifts when the number
eating out of the palm of my hand,
starts applying to you.
whilst wearing fabulous outfits and
Because here I am, about to
drinking cocktails. That came true, for
turn 37, and I’m now asking myself a
the most part, which is something I’d
different question entirely. Not what
love to be able to go back and tell my
will I lose when I get there… but who
younger self.
didn’t get to.
Now, I want to laser-focus that
Think about the LGBTQ+ people
time machine’s dial on one event:
lost to the AIDS pandemic. Vibrant
Season 4, Episode 11 of Sex and the
and full of the future, gone before they
City: ‘Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda’. This
could worry about a grey hair. The
aired in early 2002, and I caught it
young queers who never made it out
live on Channel 4. It’s quite an intense
of the closet - because the weight of
episode, as (spoiler alert) Miranda
hiding became unbearable. Gay boys
finds out she’s pregnant. That’s a
who never got their Samantha Jones
I want you to jump into your time
one of the most talked-about people
great storyline, but there was one
moment, as I did. Never got to be 37,
machine and transport yourself
in the world, and Sex and the City
part of this episode that stuck with
facing their scary age - and alive.
back to 2002. The charts are full of
reigned supreme. It was the most
me, where the ladies discussed their
European electronic house and UK
fashionable and most talked-about
‘scary age’ - the age that they’re
violently denied to so many in our
Garage, the millennium bug hadn’t
TV sensation of all time, or so it felt, at
scared of reaching, for whatever
community. And we’ve somehow
dissolved technology, Eminem was
that moment in time.
reason - and we all have our reasons.
allowed it to be turned into a source
Miranda’s scary age was 43,
and I remember deciding that my
Ageing, for us, is a privilege
of shame.
So, to make my point (as it is
scary age was 37. Thirty-seven. I was
my column): I’m going to wear this
12 years old and had no business
age like Samantha Jones (a woman,
worrying about ageing or what that
older than the rest of her cast) wears
would mean for my life, desirability,
everything literally - with confidence
or body. But, as with pop culture,
and absolutely zero apologies. One,
we are exposed to things at times
because I’m not ashamed of it, and
that mature us beyond our need
two – because I am lucky.
to be. I decided back then that 36
Every year I get to add to my life
sounded youthful and 37 sounded
is one that someone else didn’t, and
more severe, serious, and like a wave
I remind myself of this a lot. Every
goodbye to the idea of ‘youth’.
smile line and every morning where
Now, jump in that time machine
something clicks that didn’t used
again and fast-forward to May
to - that’s evidence of a life being
2026. The world is an abject fucking
lived – and trust me, I have LIVED -,
disaster, UK Garage has made a
and I don’t want to become someone
mainstream resurgence - mostly
who takes that for granted. I would
thanks to PinkPantheress - Kim
find that an insult to those who’d have
Cattrall is still fucking fabulous, the
done anything for another month,
Sex & the City reboot is, erm, not
week, day, or hour. Those who died in
to my taste, and Eminem dyes his
unfathomably cruel and unfair ways –
goatee dark brown.
for simply being who they are.
But also… I’m 36, about to turn
I believe that thirty-seven isn’t a
thirty-fucking-seven next month in
goodbye to my youth. I don’t want to
June. Writing that age down doesn’t
be ‘young’. It’s proof that I made it. And
feel real. I remember being told as a
in a community that has lost so many
child that as you get older, time just
beautiful people far too soon, that
slips away, and I had never taken it
feels less like something to mourn -
seriously. But here I am, about to land
and a hell of a lot more like something
balls-deep inside my scary age, when
worth celebrating.
it feels like I was 25 last week. And it
really does.
46
@tophertaylor
