Gay London Life | Oct '25 Edition - Magazine - Page 28
Nathaniel Hall
A Young(ish)
Man’s Passage
Actor and writer Nathaniel J Hall has looked deep
inside himself for the topic of his third show
I’ve got a confession. Me and my
abhorrent, something so unthinkable
a-hole fell out of love for a while.It’s
that, not only would they deny
understandable, it’s been at the centre
themselves the pleasure that it
of some fairly traumatic moments in
can bring, but they also vilify those
my life. But after putting my trauma on
who desire it, as though even an
stage (twice), telling the world’s media
association with us might make them
and making a quick buck, I’m ready to
look gay.
fall back in love with it.
Plus, I told Lorraine Kelly I was
And queer people’s a-holes
haven’t come out unscathed from
making a trilogy, so here we are,
this. Look, I’m going to level with you.
show number three. And this time I’m
I thought I’d got past all that trauma
ready to put all that pesky trauma to
stuff with my last two shows and
one side and just relish playing the
that I could pen a sexy, risqué title,
a-hole for you.
throw together a few bum jokes and
Thing is, I’m pushing forty, so I
be done with it. But as I reach middle
haven’t got time to be pussyfooting
age, my relationship with my a-hole
around the issue, me and my a-hole
is…complicated.
need to get better acquainted whilst
I’ve built a career speaking
I’ve still got my own teeth. So, I’m
about life with HIV (I got it when
kick-starting the creative process
I was just 16) and it’s just a virus,
hard with questions like: Are straight
right? But when it entered my
a-holes as clean as gay a-holes? (I
body through my a-hole all those
always pop a soapy finger in when I’m
years ago, it not only changed my
in the shower, but I can’t picture Piers
physiology, it changed my place
Morgan doing the same.) And: When
at society’s table. A place that was
did you first look at the puckered little
already conditional.
balloon knot that you poo from and
Look, I adore being queer. I live
think, ‘Oh yeah, I want me a piece of
my life loud and proud, more today
that?’ (Let’s be honest, they are a bit
than ever. But perhaps the tendrils
of a bugger to look at.)
of shame will always lurk around
The more I’ve delved into my
me, waiting for an opportunity to slip
a-hole, the more I’ve realised how
back in my unguarded a-hole. Maybe
little I’ve spent connecting with
I’ll invest in a butt-plug. (Who am I
it, and that got me thinking how
kidding, I’ve already got three).
nobody ever taught me how to. Sex
But seriously, if me and my
ed at school in the noughties was
a-hole are to get the relationship we
a non-starter for us queers and
deserve, I think it’s time to face some
straight sex ed wasn’t much better.
hard truths. Nobody told us how to
For the first twenty years of her
love our a-holes properly. Back when
life, my straight friend thought that
we were sweet little boys who didn’t
men had to squeeze their penis to
understand why other boys mocked
urinate, as though the men’s toilet
us, hated us. I’ve lived a hard and fast
was some sordid milking parlour with
gay life trying to escape, enough to
men squeezing piss into the urinals.
match an entire season of Drag Race
(She’s a lawyer now.)
sob stories.
I mean, if that’s the level of sex
Maybe it’s time to slow down and
education the straights got, us gays
reconnect with that sweet boy again.
were totally fucked. I only learned
Maybe it’s time to stop the bum jokes
how to douche safely last year, aged
and face the music. And maybe, just
37…from an influencer on Instagram.
maybe, we can all fall back in love with
The thing is, touching, never
our a-holes, together.
mind penetrating, the arsehole for
most men represents something so
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@nathanieljhall
